I Need Some Fuckin' Stuff!

The other day during my friend's housewarming party I had a thought--when people move into a new home, get engaged, married, or are going to have a baby, people buy them shit. I've always actually thought it a bit tacky that in anticipation of all the stuff their friends and relatives are obligated to buy them, people create these selfish, expectant, often overly optimistic lists of stuff they want.

Well, I am 31 years old now and I've never had a housewarming party--and, at the route I am going, I can pretty much guarantee the other three ain't happening. So I was thinking--people should have to buy me just as much shit as they do the others. I want a fucking registry at Target, or Tiffany's, or Macy's dammit. In fact, I think people should buy me MORE stuff.

I know the whole idea of gift-giving was to support the new couple, the new family as they embark on being the ever so important cornerstones of our society-- our key to survival as a species. But I think taking the single route is far more civilized these days--people are going to have babies no matter what, and most couples already have pots and pans and luxury bedding, but being single and barren saves the world a whole lot of money and potential trouble.

By never getting married, my parents and his will never have to shell out loads of money for an event that lasts all of a few hours and most of us wont really even get to enjoy, and I can promise that none of my friends will need to take off work, have to budget traveling halfway across the country and a hotel stay, or worry about what they have to wear. Also, I will never subject anyone I know to tales of my messy divorce.

And, by remaining unfruitful and not multiplying, I will never add another consumer of our scarce natural resources, who would surely contribute to our continued global warming (he or she might use more than one sheet of toilet paper!) nor will I risk creating another miserable teenager or violent criminal who may hurt someone and end up in jail, or otherwise put a strain on our educational, social security, or welfare systems.

So for those of you who are reading this, either via email, or blog (how did you end up here anyway??) I'll be registering at Bloomingdales this weekend, thank you in advance.